Not Mine To Have

by farah_prong@yahoo.com.my

As the jets of hot water run down my body, my mind is finally at ease. There is still a hole in my heart; growing. It is still a dark place where only emptiness is felt and the burden is increasing. Well, at least this hot bath is comforting; for a while. I run my finger at the bathroom wall as hot air filled the bathroom. Absent minded; I wrote something on the wall and only realised what I wrote after a while. There on the wall is countless words that only makes my heart aches more.

Changmin.

Clearing my head, I wiped off the name that I cannot have.

Recent events make my world in turmoil. I feel like I am hanging by a thread, waiting for the last string to be cut away from me. My head feels like they are about to explode. I am tired beyond compare and I hate myself for being helpless and for even being here; in this aggrieved body that nobody can see. For fans, I show my tough side, my cool exterior but nobody knows how deeply I am wounded now. One by one, the incidents that happen pull me in deeper in the pitch black and frankly, I am quite happy there cause there, I can finally stop smiling at people; showing this happy face like a puppet controlled by his master. There, I can succumb to my emotion, scream like I want to but with no ending. Hitting the wall as hard as I can, expecting the sharp pain to come but all that I can feel is the numbed feeling that my heart is experiencing now.

Wiping my body with the towel, I noticed that the blood is still trickling, the knuckle is bruised. Changmin will surely ask questions about this and he won’t stop until he knows what is bothering me. Well, I let him think that he know, lying about stupid things that makes me irritated; like fans keep on shoving their camera at my face whenever I go and the hectic schedule and such. At least he is satisfied with the answer for a while. I know that he know that I am lying but at least he won’t pester me with his never-ending question. My cute and sweet maknae is growing up. MY maknae; can I call him that? Will he ever be MINE without being HIS? All these questions pondering in my brain… all the unanswered questions…

I finally heaved my body out from the bathroom and I noticed the light in his room is on. I can hear laughter, giggling from outside. He is talking to HIM again. Why HIM? Why can’t it be me that is he is laughing with? Everybody knows that they bicker too often. HE is always pushing and bullying MY maknae. Now, I just want to rip his door, take that phone and smash it to bits. The monster in me purrs suggestively to that thought. However, patting the monster in me to its slumber, I proceed to my room.

I was about to open the door to my room as I sigh at my irrational temper and the uncontrollable jealousy that burns in me when I heard the creaking of the door next to me.

‘What happened to your hand?’ asked the tall fellow; looking worried and examining my hand.

‘Nothing. I…just…nothing,’ and I patted that head slowly, feeling that silken hair under my fingers.

‘Yunho-sshi…’