Not Mine To Have

by farah_prong@yahoo.com.my

As the jets of hot water run down my body, my mind is finally at ease. There is still a hole in my heart; growing. It is still a dark place where only emptiness is felt and the burden is increasing. Well, at least this hot bath is comforting; for a while. I run my finger at the bathroom wall as hot air filled the bathroom. Absent minded; I wrote something on the wall and only realised what I wrote after a while. There on the wall is countless words that only makes my heart aches more.

Changmin.

Clearing my head, I wiped off the name that I cannot have.

Recent events make my world in turmoil. I feel like I am hanging by a thread, waiting for the last string to be cut away from me. My head feels like they are about to explode. I am tired beyond compare and I hate myself for being helpless and for even being here; in this aggrieved body that nobody can see. For fans, I show my tough side, my cool exterior but nobody knows how deeply I am wounded now. One by one, the incidents that happen pull me in deeper in the pitch black and frankly, I am quite happy there cause there, I can finally stop smiling at people; showing this happy face like a puppet controlled by his master. There, I can succumb to my emotion, scream like I want to but with no ending. Hitting the wall as hard as I can, expecting the sharp pain to come but all that I can feel is the numbed feeling that my heart is experiencing now.

Wiping my body with the towel, I noticed that the blood is still trickling, the knuckle is bruised. Changmin will surely ask questions about this and he won’t stop until he knows what is bothering me. Well, I let him think that he know, lying about stupid things that makes me irritated; like fans keep on shoving their camera at my face whenever I go and the hectic schedule and such. At least he is satisfied with the answer for a while. I know that he know that I am lying but at least he won’t pester me with his never-ending question. My cute and sweet maknae is growing up. MY maknae; can I call him that? Will he ever be MINE without being HIS? All these questions pondering in my brain… all the unanswered questions…

I finally heaved my body out from the bathroom and I noticed the light in his room is on. I can hear laughter, giggling from outside. He is talking to HIM again. Why HIM? Why can’t it be me that is he is laughing with? Everybody knows that they bicker too often. HE is always pushing and bullying MY maknae. Now, I just want to rip his door, take that phone and smash it to bits. The monster in me purrs suggestively to that thought. However, patting the monster in me to its slumber, I proceed to my room.

I was about to open the door to my room as I sigh at my irrational temper and the uncontrollable jealousy that burns in me when I heard the creaking of the door next to me.

‘What happened to your hand?’ asked the tall fellow; looking worried and examining my hand.

‘Nothing. I…just…nothing,’ and I patted that head slowly, feeling that silken hair under my fingers.

‘Yunho-sshi…’

a melancholy

by powerangers_08@yahoo.com

She grumbles in her wake. She dont understand why the internet’s decided to hold a rampange against her NOW of all times. This is such a critical moment!! She has just found an AMAZING author of DBSK fan fiction over the net and is just done reading ONE of her fan fiction when she still have about 100 or so more.. and the link to chapter two is STILL directed to offline notification page. GAH! And the YOUTUBE!! She’s just been waiting for the video of DBSK’s Bonjour Paris photobook finished embedding (her internet’s THAT slow, believe me) and now... AND NOW!!! My GOD! Why now??

WHY NOW? Grrr

But thinking things rationally, she thinks this doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s just tonight that the line’s not working. She’s been on to search for these things since 9 in the morning after all and it’s already.. ah, 1.40 in the morning.. so she carefully mem’ing the sites that are already opened, and decides to take things slow.. closing the broadband for a whole (it’s HOT).. and watches the Bonjour Paris part 1, 7 and 3 (bless the uploaders) that’s already finished buffering..

These are her spazzes:

[PART 1]

Jaejoong attemping the mission is hella adorable!

[PART 3]

Changmin: because im.. important.. *walks away*
me: *cracks up*
I LOVE YOU, MINNIE, I REALLY DO =,D

[PART 7]

When the cameraman called Yoocun, "Micky..!" and he answered "Yea?" my heart just skipped a beat.. i dunno why.. O__o lol

Then she decides to try onlining again. Hopefully, the broadband’s cool enough to be functioning properly. It’s WAY past curfew, but damn it, who cares.

Oh... the line’s BACK!!

Oh, oh! The Bonjour Paris!!

Oh.. but the fanfictions!! Yes!!

Then it settles in her. Why not Bonjour Paris first? By all means, THAT is the first thing she should be excited about; watching them together. Videos of them laughing, singing, TOGETHER. But why does she diverts to fan fiction first than watching those videos? The videos are LIVE. The fan fictions are MADE. But why fanfiction?

Then it occurs to her. She’s been trying to live in the safe haven that is the fan fictions. They seems so happy in there, so REAL and REALISTIC and so much like what her imagination has been trying to picture for her in this 10 months of HELL.

Its bittersweet, watching those videos and she doesnt want the “bitter” along with her “sweet”. She doesn’t want videos when it reminds her so much of things that could-have-been. The fanfictions are written with hopes and visions of what the boys might be going through. Like how Yunho would try contacting Jaejoong even when the management’s on his and Changmin’s tails, how Junsu would whine to Changmin through his email by saying how he misses the other’s teases, how Yunho would somehow find a way to Yoochun’s and clears of his doubts.. and these are the things that she want. She HOPES.

But seeing things as they are now.. what’s with the 5 of them doing their solo activities.. her heart clenches. It’s their right, she knows. It’s not as easy as it seems, she KNOWS. But..

JaeChun’s message:

Always Keep the Faith.

JaeChun’s tattoo:

Hope to the End.

She closes her windows, and logs off the computer.

Memories of Past Days

by farah_prong@yahoo.com.my

Click. The sound of the door being unlocked. I look at the shadow in the dark, the silhouette of his body. Softly I whispered; my voice croaked,

‘You’re back. How was your day?’

That shadow seemed startled. Then lights blinded me.

‘Why are you sitting in the dark?’

When I didn’t answer, he sighed and replied, ‘It is fine. How are yours? You know, something funny happened today…’ and he began to talk but I didn’t hear anything.

I was busy scanning his face, looking for signs. Yes, he is radiating with warmth and he looked just fine. He talk and laugh like normal but his smile is fake. Yes, I do know that and it hurts me to see him like that. He can fool everyone with that smile of his, but not me. I’ve known him long enough to see through him. But most of all, the thing that hurt me the most is his eyes. They are grave and dead. There are no more laughter in it. it is just like black hole, just orbs staring back at you with nothing to share. The dead, empty eyes that stares right back at you.

‘I’m going to bed. See you in the morning,’ he waved and went inside his room. Silence creeps in the living room and I just sit there on the sofa, unmoving. ‘Oh, switch off the lamp before you go to bed will ya?’ he yelled from his bedroom. I turned back to face the blank TV. The room is dead silence, only the whirring of the fan blade can be heard.

Hugging my leg, I feel the same sadness that live in the house. The air is sometimes un-breathable; it chokes and suffocate; killing me inside. I carry the same ache for months now. My chest feels heavy and holey. It feels cold and bitter. I feel as if I am here but I am really not here. My body is here but my mind and heart is no longer in me. It is as if I died inside. My body is just an empty vessel with no owner.

The soft tinkling tinsel suddenly caught my eyes and I slowly turned my head at the Christmas tree that we decorated long ago. I hear the ghostly laugh of us, the teasing and the jokes and my head hurts. I hear the promises that we made, the pain that we have, the decision that we need to take. I gripped my chest. It hurts too much.

‘Make it stop. Please stop,’ I whispered as tears filled my eyes.

‘Don’t worry. It will be over soon. I will bring our laughter back in the house, Minnie,’ and that warm, huge body hug me from behind; washing my pain with his beautiful soothing words as leader.

This is just a random thoughts.

Cassiopeia's faith

by powerangers_08@yahoo.com

there's this one star constellation named Cassiopeia. now, to others, it might not bear any significant meaning (except, perhaps to those who study greek mythology and astrology), but to 3 - 5 million or so fans out there (no kidding), it bears the meaning of pride, talents, greatness, togetherness, faith, brotherhood and sisterhood alike, and a strong bond. its a safe haven to these people and the embrace to return to to the 5 men; whose existence is the core to all of this: to the 4 millions or so people out there, to this faith, this togetherness, this BOND to harvest firsthand.

now whats the reason for me to ramble these? *chuckles* well, its because i FREAKING SAW THE CASSIOPEIA THE OTHER DAY!! lol..



it's too bad i didnt bring a camera with me.. T___T the night was awesome. i was having this camping thing. and we were in the middle of our activity (night-walking, obviously) and i got distracted by the hundreds millions of stars on the sky. oh my GOD.. there were so many of them. while i was amazed at them, my eyes caught this one star constellation near the horizon, and tadaa!! CASSIOPEIA!! XDDDDD the first time i saw it, i couldnt stop smiling! i cant believe i could finally see it! it was huge! and surprisingly, easily recognized. i cant believe i didnt see it before that day! so naturally, i was mesmerized.

our night activity continued until about 5.30 in the morning, and when it was nearing 5, i saw 2 shooting stars! my GOD! it's been, what? 5 years since i last saw one? XDDDD and people often associating a shooting star to a desired wish and i thought; GOD, please take care of my family (the first shooting star) and GOD, please let "them" be together again (the second shooting star). it really was a spur-of-the-moment thing. the wish came out without me really thinking about it.. lol..

and while im at it, im gonna say here, im not gonna stop keeping the faith. although the chance of them going back together is as thin as a veil now; what with the 3 of them signing a new contract with an american producer and the other 2 keeping their silences (there's more than this, but im not gonna elaborate) i dunno. despite everything (and anything, really) i'll keep my faith. even if im last one keeping it, still, im gonna keep it, as irrational as it may seems. i just cannot see the 3 without the shadow of the other two on their right side. its where they belong. the JYJ concert in DOME recently is the prove. they're so successful (a staggering 46000 audiences!) but the stage seems too big.. the harmonizations seems messed up (though some people might argue this with me. this is how i hear it, so no offense intented) the PERFORMANCES SEEM INCOMPLETE AND THEY SEEM MISERABLE. enough said. i'll support them, i really will. i'll watch Changmin's drama, i'll see Yunho's musical, and i'll anticipate what Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu will come up with, but its with the bittersweet feeling inside of me whilst me thinking, "I want them 5. not like this,"



i'll always keep the faith..